Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurts? So much, so deeply and so quickly that you scare yourself?
These feelings of a love so strong have been the cause of much of my recent stress. Over the past few days I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotions. I’ve experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows. In addition to my newly found bitterness toward my employer, trying to start my own business, the normal stresses of paying bills and being a responsible adult, I’ve fallen completely and madly in love. So much in love that I can’t believe it’s real. Everything feels so perfect that it just can’t be true. I decide to trust my heart and then I thought I lost it all.
Our relationship started out slowly. Some harmless hanging out just getting to know one another. I thought we would most likely only become good friends. After about a week however, it just exploded into full blown falling in love. Suddenly I couldn’t stop thinking about her. We were spending hours and hours of time together every day. I found myself daydreaming of a future together. My rational side told me we could work together because we have similar likes and dislikes, sense of humor, family values, active lifestyles, and on and on. Emotionally, she made me so happy I felt she could be the one. Wow! That’s when it got scary (you have to take into account that I went from “hanging out” to thinking “forever” in a little under a month).
What scared me was my insecurities. Wondering if she felt the same as I did. How do I know? Sure, we both had said we love each other, but did she mean it to the same extent I did? How much is this going to hurt if it doesn’t work out? Why am I worrying about it not working out? How did this become so serious in such a short time? Why did I let myself get so attached so soon? Ahhhh! The thoughts just came racing uncontrollably into my mind. And then it happened…
I’ll save you from the details, but the gist of the situation is that I got so caught up in my mind with all of my thoughts that I missed something very important to my new love and in doing so deeply hurt her feelings. In and of itself, it might not have been a big issue. But when put into context of “scary because this might be the one” and on top of all of our individual stress factors, it became a crisis.
It appeared to me that my new road to happiness was about to deadend. She was so upset she was ready to walk away from it all. That single thought crushed me. I care so much about this woman, that the thought of losing her and not having her in my life destroyed me. I couldn’t speak the words I wanted, needed, to say. It felt like my world was spinning out of control. I felt helpless, lost and alone. Somehow I was able to keep her from walking out the door that night and slowly the spinning came under control. We both regained our footing and took a small step toward each other. Then another. And another.
Turns out she was in the same place as me. Scared of how well everything had been going and just waiting for it all to come crashing down. Scared to the point of trying to run away rather than face the potential for future heartbreak. Unconciously, we were both dissecting every bit of information trying to find a flaw. A reason to run away. Fortunately, we were able to talk about it openly and honestly. The crisis has passed and we are even closer now having survived it.
Can we ever really know if this love will last forever? I don’t know. Does it just feel so right that it’s still a bit scary? Yes. However, I’m confidant that this is a real and lasting love. It’s touched me at my core and I’m trusting my heart to lead me forward.