A Love So Deep

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurts? So much, so deeply and so quickly that you scare yourself?

These feelings of a love so strong have been the cause of much of my recent stress. Over the past few days I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotions. I’ve experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows. In addition to my newly found bitterness toward my employer, trying to start my own business, the normal stresses of paying bills and being a responsible adult, I’ve fallen completely and madly in love. So much in love that I can’t believe it’s real. Everything feels so perfect that it just can’t be true. I decide to trust my heart and then I thought I lost it all.

Our relationship started out slowly. Some harmless hanging out just getting to know one another. I thought we would most likely only become good friends. After about a week however, it just exploded into full blown falling in love. Suddenly I couldn’t stop thinking about her. We were spending hours and hours of time together every day. I found myself daydreaming of a future together. My rational side told me we could work together because we have similar likes and dislikes, sense of humor, family values, active lifestyles, and on and on. Emotionally, she made me so happy I felt she could be the one. Wow! That’s when it got scary (you have to take into account that I went from “hanging out” to thinking “forever” in a little under a month).

What scared me was my insecurities. Wondering if she felt the same as I did. How do I know? Sure, we both had said we love each other, but did she mean it to the same extent I did? How much is this going to hurt if it doesn’t work out? Why am I worrying about it not working out? How did this become so serious in such a short time? Why did I let myself get so attached so soon? Ahhhh! The thoughts just came racing uncontrollably into my mind. And then it happened…

I’ll save you from the details, but the gist of the situation is that I got so caught up in my mind with all of my thoughts that I missed something very important to my new love and in doing so deeply hurt her feelings. In and of itself, it might not have been a big issue. But when put into context of “scary because this might be the one” and on top of all  of our individual stress factors, it became a crisis.

It appeared to me that my new road to happiness was about to deadend. She was so upset she was ready to walk away from it all. That single thought crushed me. I care so much about this woman, that the thought of losing her and not having her in my life destroyed me. I couldn’t speak the words I wanted, needed, to say. It felt like my world was spinning out of control. I felt helpless, lost and alone. Somehow I was able to keep her from walking out the door that night and slowly the spinning came under control. We both regained our footing and took a small step toward each other. Then another. And another.  

Turns out she was in the same place as me. Scared of how well everything had been going and just waiting for it all to come crashing down. Scared to the point of trying to run away rather than face the potential for future heartbreak. Unconciously, we were both dissecting every bit of information trying to find a flaw. A reason to run away. Fortunately, we were able to talk about it openly and honestly. The crisis has passed and we are even closer now having survived it.

Can we ever really know if this love will last forever? I don’t know. Does it just feel so right that it’s still a bit scary? Yes. However, I’m confidant that this is a real and lasting love. It’s touched me at my core and I’m trusting my heart to lead me forward.


5 thoughts on “A Love So Deep

  1. I don’t know if this is true for everyone but it is for me. It seems like that first 3 months in a relationship is the really exciting time when everything is still new. After this time, things start getting back to reality and both people can think more clearly and become more comfortable with each other. Like I say, this is how it works with me and this might be different for others. Some people are married within 3 months but not me.

    You’re lucky. I can’t say I’ve ever been bitten by the love bug and felt like I’ve found the one person I’d stay with forever. Even though this has never happened to me yet, I do know one thing that might help with your stress. Live in the moment. If you’re planning out a whole future with this woman, you’re not focused on the present which is what counts. The future will do just fine without your help.

  2. I agree, the present moment is where we should live. But I think it’s important to acknowledge the past because it’s shaped us into who we are. We also have to consider the future so that we can make plans and take action to acheive our goals. It becomes a balancing act and at least for me, living in the present is the area I need to work on. I’ve always been a dreamer and continously wonder about all the possibilities life offers.

    This relationship started and got to where it is now by me just living in the moment and being myself. We are already very comfortable with each other which is one of the reasons I feel so good about it. It didn’t take any real effort to get here. It just sort of happened naturally and then I got to over-analyzing things causing issues. Back to living in the moment and all is good now!

  3. Don’t worry, be happy. Silly song, great seintiment. I agree with both you and the monkey boy. Enjoy love, Jeff. It is a most wonderful, painful, exhilirating, and abnormal experience in the world. When you have the real thing you know it. Then you work to keep it. See you in a few weeks, can’t wait to meet her! XX

  4. A wise person once told me that in matters of business, you analyze everything and if it doesn’t line up….don’t do it. In matters of Love, if it doesn’t look like it will work you definitely go for it and throw caution to the wind.

    I think this person was trying to tell me to not inject the minds control over the hearts desire. The mind is for business and the heart is for love.

    Failure is a subjective thought process and not reality unless you make it that way. It’s this way in business and I’m making the assumption that personal relationships are similar in function. You make mistakes, learn and move on. I’ve always found worrying the product of an unfocused mind creating outcomes that generally never happen. I know I try not to worry. It will kill you faster than anything else out there.

    I enjoy your blog. You seem sincere and what you type comes from the heart.

  5. I fell into this blog while looking up “levels of friendship.” I like what you wrote about the different levels of friendship and wonder, since you wrote that almost three years ago, would you add anything to what you wrote? I quote: “This is only version 1.0 of my theory and it will evolve as my friendships continually change.”

    A dear, dear friend of mine (a Level D according to your scale) died recently from ALS. Since we often lived a great distance apart and rarely got to visit each other, I had no idea that she was fading as quickly as she was. She died on Labor Day this year. She was a terrific correspondent, had a great sense of humor, and was one very smart cookie.

    Your writing is very good. I wonder if you read a lot.

    I liked the comments from The Talking Monkey. Thoughtful blog entries and sincere comments — very satisfying! :~))

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